Client Etiquette

This is a post which was written by the poster Sasfan on Punternet some years ago. It is satirical and very much tongue in cheek so please do not take it seriously (because some did!)

Client Etiquette:

Personal hygiene:-

Despite protestations to the contrary, what the lady wants is the smell of a REAL man, that earthy pong of honest sweat. You may be offered the use of bathing facilities, do not fall for this, it is a well known ploy to test your suitability as a regular (accept and you may never return), just ignore it, whip your todger out and say the magic words “get yer larfin gear round that then gal!!”, it works every time.

Services: –

Most if not all ladies are rather shy and retiring, in so many ways they are like delicate flowers that need to be gently and repeatedly questioned before they finally open up and reveal their innermost feelings and desires, hence the need to totally disregard any form of limitations in the area of services provided, they ALL supply, and indeed crave, ALL forms of sexual activity, don’t be put off by a list of “don’ts” because the implication behind that list is “well I do, but don’t tell anybody”.


Although this part of the deal is of the least interest to the lady (it’s just pandering to tradition really) it needs dealing with in a business like manner. I expect that you have seen a couple (almost a rarity these days) of adverts that state that payment is to be in “cash only”, well to be frank these ladies are a little bit behind the times, there are major disadvantages to cash and your refusal to use it will be appreciated enormously once you explain the advantages of the cheque.

1. No more embarrassing moments when the lady discovers that she is £20 short
2. No more embarrassing moments when the lady discovers that you have overpaid by £20
3. The dud note problem is eliminated
4. No more having to keep an accurate count of income for tax purposes, just pay it in to the bank account and let the accountant do the rest

The list is endless, the lady will be indebted to you for life.


Obviously the security of the lady is paramount but “what about my security on an incall?” I hear you ask, a very good point and very well made say I, have no fears on that score because the punting fraternity have already got that one fully sussed out. All ladies that do incall are now legally required to have an arrangement with their Neighbourhood Watch Committee, so before you set out just take a note of their number and when you are ensconced inside the dwelling just give them a quick bell and inform them of the Lady’s name, address and mobile number and the duration of your stay, a 2 minute call and you’re all done and dusted.

Advertising: –

This is a very expensive and sensitive area for a lady, getting just that right balance of titillation without straying into the vulgar can be quite a soul-searching task, you can be of great assistance here, by following all the previous guidelines you will soon find the lady of your dreams and quickly become a regular, so why not be really helpful and give her some free advertising, get a T shirt made up using the following template.

LILY OF LEYTONSTONE TAKES IT UP THE BACKSIDE (with her mobile number of course).

Wear that every day and she will shower you (golden if that is your preference) with praise and be your soul mate for life.

Initial contact: –

I believe that I have already posted information on this subject but I shall incorporate it just for the sake of completeness. This is a much forgotten, misunderstood yet so important feature of punting; as in most things in life first impressions are the ones that stick, they are the very bedrock that will support and nurture future appointments, so get it right. I shall endeavour to cover the two main methods of initial contact and give as many tips as possible, however you will have your own style so treat the following as a guide only and not something to be slavishly followed :-


The lady logs on and views her inbox, she has 2 Emails, one has a subject of “I would like to arrange an incall appointment” the other has a subject of “r u up 4 it or wot”, bit of a no-brainer really. The first is very likely to be from some lily-livered wimp called Tarquin wanting to make a booking for a 3 hour “mutual enjoyment experience”, the chances are that the lady will delete that without bothering to open it, whereas the second one will really catch her eye, she will know from experience that inside will be the promise of an hour of good hard shagging by a real man.

Make the body of the Email short, sharp and preferably explicit, don’t hint at things you want, be open and upfront, the lady does not want to have to read between the lines or look for subtext, after all what she desires above everything else is an assertive male that knows what he wants and gets it, phrases like “I would like to indulge in a little tradesmans entrance play” is for the Tarquin’s of this world and just will not cut the mustard with a WG, be bold and write “your backside will make the Mersey Tunnel look like a drinking straw when I’m done with you”, this is what excites the lady, this is what gets her going, you really can’t go wrong with this sort of approach.


Picture if you can the following scene, it is 3 O’clock in the afternoon and the lady is reading “Bleak House” or working on her needlepoint, as an aside I think this is an appropriate place to dispel a widely held misconception, WG’s do not have a “normal” life outside of working, they are on call 24/7, it is not work that they do it is a vocation, her biological clock is in perfect harmony with your sexual desires; they are always dressed in erotic lingerie and will respond well to repeated enquiries as to what they are wearing, but I digress.

The phone rings, the lady answers and hears :-

“Hello Thelma, my name is Tarquin, I wonder if you would be available this afternoon ……….”

Not unsurprisingly all he will hear (if he is lucky) is a loud “click”

An alternative to the above is, the phone rings, the lady answers and hears :-

“Get your tits out, get your tits out, get your tits out for the lads …………. Wot u wearin’ then?”

Instant rapport, the lady will be overcome with excitement, you’ve pulled, I rest my case.